I apologize for the delay in new reading material, but I’ve just now recovered from the hangover that resulted from Friday’s festivities.

Jumbo’s Clown Room has, for months now, been a drunken destination that I’ve lusted after.  Ever since I went on that Dearly Departed Tour (love you, River), visions of dicked chicks danced in my head.  Many a coworker has boasted about the onstage spectacle at Jumbo’s Clown Room; I simply needed to take a peek, myself. 

After two failed attempts, a third opportunity arises.  I can barely contain myself during the final hours of my work week, as I anticipate what majesty is to come later that evening.  The day has finally come to a close, so I touch up my makeup and head over to 5153 Hollywood Boulevard.  Yeah, it’s only 6pm, but that makes it all the more pathetic and sleazy.  I park my car, slip on my tallest heels, and head for the entrance.  Ahh fuck, it just feels dirty: the chain-smoking bouncer, the random homeless dude, a bevy of large, lesbian regulars...perfect.  I flash my ID and the doorman snidely retorts “you’re in for a treat.”  I push aside the velvet curtain.

My excitement fades to disappointment as I notice that all the dancers are young, cute girls.  I think only one had a visible c-section scar.  Fuuuuck this! No penises are being waggled at me, well, at least not until later in the night, and this upsets me!  Noticing my obvious upset, my pal(?) decides Gold Diggers shall be our next destination.  He promises a depressingly sheisty dive bar with strong drinks and illegal immigrants dancing onstage.  I’m game.

Let me tell you, Gold Diggers is the shit…potent cocktails, 40-year-old Taiwanese strippers, chicken chow mein festering under a heat lamp, and a bartender who is VERY proud of her chicken chow mein.  I highly recommend this bar.

Check out the reviews on Yelp, they’re fucking hilarious! http://www.yelp.com/biz/gold-diggers-los-angeles 


Alyssa Loü

I have never understood girls' fascination with Justin Timberlake.  When I think of Justin Timberlake, I think of this:
Mmmm....Top Ramen!
Recently, however, I stumbled across a few stills from his upcoming film, 'Friends with Benefits', and was quite pleasantly surprised!

Mila can barely keep it together.
Reaching for it...
Hung like the Galapagos.  Now, it all makes sense to me.
Today, I fell madly obsessed with this guy:
I don't know WHO this guy is, but I'll tell you this much, he is 100% pure certified el bistec stud.  I think that's a beached whale on the sand below him.
..are on sale at Vons
Which to celebrate when you only have time for one?  

March 14th marks the anniversary of two major holidays: Pi(e) Day and Steak and a Blow Job Day.  Ideally, one would take this merry day off from work in order to engage in an all-day pie/steak/blow job binge.  Unfortunately, some of us are terrible at calling in sick, so we have to be bitter all day and wait for the strike o’5 o’clock.


You have to work overtime and when you finally do get home, you have mere minutes before you must call it a night or else you’ll be exhausted tomorrow at your incredibly demanding job and you still have to take out the garbage and feed Wendell the (insert mammal) because your whore (insert spouse) was too busy watching reruns of ‘The OC’ on SoapNet and oh my god, what the fuck do you do?

For me, it’s an easy choice.

My boyfriend is a vegan and doesn’t like it when I put my mouth on or around that area.

Happy Pi(e) Day!!!

Okay, so in the midst of Sheen-mania, a picture surfaces of Charlie and goddess:
As you can see, he is holding a bottle of heavenly-looking chocolate milk.  I, lover of milk in the chocolate variety, begin to search far and wide for this divine beverage that fuels sex stud Sheen.  Alas, it is available for purchase at my local Whole Foods grocer.  I wake up early on Sunday in attempt to beat the weekend grocery store crowd.  Scanning the perimeter of store for the dairy section, I stumble across the yogurts and cottage cheeses and sour creams and what is this....the Broguiere's chocolate milk I have been lusting after for at least a full 24 hours?  Six dollars?  Really?  Okay.  Feeling triumphant, I purchase my prize and rush to my car to begin what I can only imagine to be really really delicious chocolate milk.  I remove my chewing gum, sip some water to cleanse the palate, and indulge in the Broguiere's.  Yeah, not that great.  Definitely not worth six dollars.  Aaand, I'm pretty sure I've gotten fatter because of it.  THANKS A LOT, CHARLIE SHEEN!

Can't you see the disappointment in my eyes? In my jowel?
If you want chocolate milk, I recommend using Nesquik to flavor your juice of moo.  Thanks.
No seriously, he's hot.  Where did he go?