Lately…….I’ve been thinking a lot about ham.  It’s probably because Easter is coming up and that’s about the only time of the year I ever actually eat ham.  Or is Christmas the holiday I eat it?  I don’t remember, but whatever. 

Ham is such an obscure meat to me.  It seems irrelevant.  I am fairly certain I feel this way for two reasons: 1) I grew up in California and 2) I’m young-ish (23).  People I know don’t really eat ham.  It isn't a religious thing, it is more of an age/geographical thing.  For example, one time I walked to Pavillions for lunch with the new girl at work.  I settled on a Lean Cuisine and a Diet Snapple, whereas she scanned the premade sandwiches and selected ham on French bread.  Seriously?  I mean, there were plenty of turkey sandwiches to go around, but she chose ham without any hesitation.  I tried not to judge, but I was intrigued by her choice in deli meat.  Ham, to me, is the equivalent of bologna.  I don’t think I’ve seen anyone eat a bologna sandwich since first grade.  Then, it hit me…she’s from Minnesota. 

Second thought: I wonder if Prince, also from Minnesota, eats ham sandwiches?

So, what is it about ham that is so vile?  Spiral honey-baked ham, honestly, isn’t thaaaat bad.  The deli-thin slices imitate that of turkey, so it is relatively non-offensive.  Canned ham is a different story.  What the fuck, CANNED HAM?  Canned ham is so incredibly foul, it's like giant Spam!?!  My dad used to make canned ham for dinner probably once every couple of months and I think that contributed to my need to move out.  Like, not just out of the house, but out of Northern California all together.  He would make this shit stretch too, adding the leftovers to omelets and fried rice.  Honestly, I would rather help myself to the fine cuisine served at Gold Digger's, wafted with 40-year-old-Taiwaneese-stripper-taint, than eat my father's sad excuse for fried rice.  

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that ham won’t make it.  In life, it’s survival of the fittest.  With chicken, beef, and bacon in the running, I just don’t think ham stands a chance.  I hypothesize that one hundred years from now, ham will go the way of the blue footed booby, at least in California.  If it is still around, it will become a giant joke, kind of like it already is.  We used to use a can of Spam as a bathroom pass in 7th grade Spanish class.  I feel bad for the pigs and mechanically separated chickens that are slaughtered every year just to become bathroom passes.  It’s fucked up. 

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